Palpatine's Tea Time Fun Fest
by American Vigor
Summary: Times of merriment aboard the Death Star ...


**Palpatine's Tea Time Fun Fest **

**- a Star Wars FanFiction -**

**Episode III and a half: Pass the Crumpets**

_Disclaimer: Star Wars, the glorious franchise it is, is not in any way a property I control. I can only wish to supplement its mystique with stories such as the one herein. The same is in regards to related characters, symbols, plot elements, etc._

_With that said, hope you enjoy the story!_

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It was a quiet night aboard the uncompleted Death Star.

Palpatine's secret social lounge then began to stir.

"This meeting of the Sith Order shall now come to order!", he yelled for all the galaxy to hear.

"Um, my Lord, it's just you and me sitting in here," an estranged Darth Vader said. "You really don't have to speak so – "

"Be quiet!", said Palpatine. "Lord Vader …"

" … Yes, my master?"

"Pass me the tea and crumpets."

"As your will commands."

Vader used the Force to lift a bag of tea from the box Palpatine kept in one of the tiny little pink cabinets in the room with fuzz and lace on top of it.

Gingerly, Lord Vader poured the hot water, brought the tea packet to his fist after it had been dangling in the air for a while, and served the Sith Master his tea.

"You forgot the crumpets," Palpatine said.

Lord Vader then used the Force to lift the box of crumpets up from the fluffy pillow next to the rocking horse Palpatine occasionally liked to ride when no one was looking.

"Here are your crumpets, my master."

"You have done well, Lord Vader," Palpatine said. "That is, except for one small detail."

"Whatever do you speak of, my master?"

"You forgot the honey for the tea."

"You never said anything about honey."

"You're a frickin' Force wielder with a frickin' high midichloriawatsis count; you should have the power to read my mind when it is open."

'Why the Tatooine bantha fodder did I leave my tutelage under Obi-Wan to be with this guy?', Vader thought to himself.

"I heard that!", Palpatine said.

"I signed up for this job to learn how to save my wife, who I ended up killing, and now I'm reduced to getting you tea and crumpets," Vader said. "An arm, an arm, a leg, a leg, and a whole lot more later, I'm reduced to getting you tea and crumpets."

"It is the first step in your training to becoming a true dark lord of the Sith," Palpatine said. "Only by mastering the art of making me excellent tea can you ascend to the next level of my teachings."

"You really suck, you know that?", Vader put forward.

"Not as much as this tea sucks!", Palpatine said. "What type of tea is this, anyway?"

"I made sure to buy only the finest," Vader said.

"It tastes like Gungan sweat," Palpatine said.

"It is Gungan sweat," Vader said.

Palpatine immediately spat out the remnants of the tea in his mouth, momentarily picturing that this was somewhat close to being as vile as licking Jar Jar Binks, and looked coldly at his apprentice.

"You said this was the finest!", Palpatine said.

"It was the finest I could afford," Vader said. "You haven't paid me any money yet. I kind of can't access my bank accounts at the Jedi Temple, since I kind of destroyed most of the place, and I was always too busy to keep track of the access codes.

"Numskull," Palpatine said.

"At least I don't look like an old, wrinkly, pile of Hutt," Vader said.

Just then, Wilhuff Tarkin walked in and joined the party.

"Sup dawgs?", the relatively youthful Tarkin asked.

"Lord Vader has failed to make me adequate tea," Palpatine said.

"Vader, you should feel lucky," Tarkin said. "All of the people who train to become my direct subordinates are forced to do my laundry for two whole years before they can even think about serving under my direct command. And the best part is, I don't have to pay them a half-credit! They're so lustful for power that they'll work without compensation so they can have a chance to be a captain of some backwater, broken down dreadnaught with a makeshift hyperdrive engine made out of rubber bands tied around a half-eaten can of tomato soup.

"Sit down and have some tea, won't you Tarkin?", Palpatine asked and invited.

"I would be delighted, chancellor," Tarkin said.

"No, please; call me 'emperor,'" Palpatine said. "That democracy stuff is something that I got a real kick out of throwing right out the window. Everyone knows imperial dominions are much better than republics for securing the rights of the governed. Especially if I get rid of everyone who would dare say otherwise. Isn't that right, Darth Flufficus?"

Vader couldn't stand it when Sidious talked to his teddy bear, who always had a seat at the table.

"Lord Vader, I'd like some tea," Tarkin said.

"Get it yourself, you have two hands," Vader said.

"Lord Vader, he'd like some tea," Palpatine said.

"I technically don't have two hands," Vader said.

"Whatever, just get the man some tea," Palpatine said.

"The both of you are very lazy," Vader said.

"Hold on a minute there, Jedi boy," Palpatine said. "I was anything but lazy in executing my plans to frame the Jedi and take over the galaxy."

Anakin thought he heard the emperor say something important, but was too busy pouring Tarkin's tea to fully grasp the implications of Palpatine's statement.

Tarkin, on the other hand, was too busy watching Vader pour the tea to pay attention to Palpatine's admission of treachery.

" … and that's when I decided it would be funny to say 'Power! Unlimited power!'", the emperor said.

"I feel like I've been pouring tea, unlimited tea, all day," Vader muttered.

"Why don't you pour yourself a cup, Lord Vader?"

"Are you sure I can even have it? My stomach took a pretty bad beating on Mustafar," Vader said.

"I could always have my scientists build you a new one," Palpatine said.

"I … think I'd rather keep whatever I've still got left of me," Vader said.

"Oh common, I'll be your friend," Palpatine said.

"No," Vader said.

"I'll give you five credits," Tarkin said.

"Still no," Vader said.

"Darth Flufficus is getting angry at you, Lord Vader," Palpatine said as he took a sip of Gungan-sweat-flavored tea and pointed in the direction of his teddy bear. "He is now most displeased at your lack of vision."

"It's just a teddy bear," Vader said with a sigh.

"Do you even know what I had to go through to make sure Flufficus could be with us today?", Palpatine said. "He was on board a Trade Federation battleship in orbit around Naboo. He used to be a pawn of Viceroy Gunray's. But I sensed a darker, deeper evil in him than Gunray could not have imagined. In fact, that was how I first met Gunray, when I arranged a meeting with him so I could experience up close the dark energy surrounding that teddy bear. Ever since, it's been me and him. From my election as chancellor to the downfall of the Jedi. A master, and an apprentice."

"So what does that make me?", Vader asked.

"The guy who pours the tea," Palpatine said.

Vader was furious.

"That's it. The teddy bear dies," Vader said, taking out his lightsaber and charging toward Flufficus.

Palpatine, sensing and seeing danger, called forth his own lightsaber while Tarkin filed his nails, as if he'd seen this sort of thing before.

Vader, however, decided to put his lightsaber away.

"You should have stricken him down and taken his place by my side," Palpatine said, as he withdrew his own weapon.

"This ridiculousness has gone for far long enough. Pretending like the teddy bear is really your apprentice would only serve to reinforce your oddity," Vader said.

"Enough, my young apprentice," Palpatine said. "Have a cup of tea."

"Fine; I might as well," Vader said, pouring himself the beverage.

As soon as he lifted the cup, Palpatine used the Force to move Vader's arm faster than Vader had expected, and hot tea poured all over the dark lord's facemask.

"Looks like Vader-Wader had an itsy bitsy spill," Tarkin said in a mocking tone.

"You have done well, Lord Vader, in pouring hot tea all over yourself," Palpatine said.

"I'm going to get you for this, Palpatine," Vader said while engaging the windshield wiper feature on his helmet's eyepieces. "I don't know when; I don't know where, but I am going to get you for it, even if costs me an arm."

"Flufficus is still displeased with you," Palpatine said.

"I think I'm going to do something more important, like smacking some clone troopers around," Vader said, storming off as he left the room.

"Why did you choose to put yellow wallpaper with purple polka dots all around this room, anyway?", Tarkin asked.

"Because it's my happy, special place where I can just get away from it all," Palpatine said.

"Gosh, you'd think that someone who wears a black cloak all day and talks about killing all his enemies in fits of spite and rage would have a recreational quarter with slightly different coloring," Tarkin said.

"It's all depends on how you look at it," Palpatine said.

"I'll see you later. Don't make Vader do too much crap before you train him. The guy's been Force-choking my best men left and right," Tarkin said.

"A small price to pay for my continued amusement," Palpatine said.

"You're one sick freak, you know that?", Tarkin said.

"I'm a politician, what do you expect?", Palpatine said.

"A classic joke, and not often true," Tarkin said.

"But true enough. Now, have a good day. Flufficus and I need to plan our new empire's siege for the core world of Byss."

"Alright, my lord," Tarkin said.

The door closed behind him.

Palpatine then approached Flufficus, and while knowing full well the object was inanimate, gave it a high five.

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_I decided to be extremely random with this one. _

_Honestly, I'm not entirely sure what I was thinking. _

_I do hope you enjoyed this exploration into Palpatine's wild side! _

_  
Cheers!_

_Completed: 6/9/09_


End file.
